I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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