It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
