She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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