so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
