I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
