I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
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