he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
