Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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