I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Randomize
