Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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