NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
