You smell like stripper and shame
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
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