My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
