I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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