I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Randomize
