I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
