dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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