Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
