is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
She told me I should be a condom model.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
