Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
And then he peed in my hair
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
