the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
