There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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