i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
