The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Randomize
