when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
