We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
He shit in the fireplace
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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