Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
