I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
