Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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