I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
