I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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