Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
