I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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