Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Well I just put wine in my tea
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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