I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
