It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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