I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Randomize