My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I can't put those talents on a resume
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
