gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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