"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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