There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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