i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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