I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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