wanna go halves on a baby?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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