I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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