Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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