youre lurking in front of me
the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
