I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
