I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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