So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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