dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Randomize
