i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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