I like to think it a success when the cops are called
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
