Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
