Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
