mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
