I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I want her autograph on my taint
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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