mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
