i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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