I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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