We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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