what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
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