Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
