You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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