you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
