i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
When are your genitals available?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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